"We Stitch These Wounds" by Black Veil Brides - Serious Snark Review

A hybrid review! While I tried to be analytical towards today's subject, I found myself unable to keep a straight narrative voice, and thus the strange blend of comedy and criticism you see before you arises.

Believe it or not, that IS a guy on the cover. I was surprised too.

So today's review is a bit of a treat. While my past reviews of books and movies have ranged from mixed to negative, the lowest I've ever really placed an album I reviewed was Endgame by Rise Against, and even then I spent a good deal of time praising a large chunk of the album. This is mostly because, while I can usually force myself through a bad movie just by making fun of it, I have difficulty making it through an entire album from a band I hate. But I figure variety is the spice of life and thusly decided to review the first album by the infamous post-hardcore band Black Veil Brides.

For those of you lucky enough to have never heard of these musical wastes of oxygen, here's a quick history. Headed by Andy "Sixx" Biersak (The very effeminate young man pictured on the cover) they've been around since about 2006, gaining a big following among the Hot Topic crowd the past year or so. This is them:

Only one person in this picture has a cervix.

Yeah, it's safe to say we're not dealing with subtle artists here. I mean dear god, just look at them. How can you even take that seriously? When you're making Twisted Sister look masculine, you have some problems. This isn't to say that people trying to be androgynous is bad, just that these people are doing it very, very wrong.

Track 1: The Outcasts (Calls To Arms)
Just the title of this pisses me off. I've never understood the use of parenthesis in song names. With the exception of the song ((Holy Shit) I Can't Believe I Still Don't Have) A Girlfriend) it's always seemed melodramatic and stupid. But that's just a nitpick. Now we move into the music. If you can even stand to call it that. This track is just an intro, with some spoken word recording that I'm sure would have been an interesting way to start an album 30 years ago before every Metal band in existence had done it. Way to innovate guys.

It's gonna be a long one, isn't it?

Track 2: We Stitch These Wounds
Oh hey, another power-chord heavy intro that sounds like something off of nearly any metalcore album to come out in the last 10 years. And the vocals are clearly altered in post because there's no way an inexperienced vocalist like Sixx could managed anything like this. Also, maybe I'm just wanting to listen to some better music, but I swear the clean vocals sound like Weird Al. I've honestly and truly heard Goregrind bands that could make a catchier melody than these morons. You know how people will criticize a movie or book for having cliche and overly-familiar story telling elements? That's basically what I have to say for this entire song. I mean, at least bands like brokeNCYDE and Design the Skyline are bad in an interesting kind of way. This just sounds like I'm listening to a 3 Days Grace song with bad speakers.

Track 3: Beautiful Remains
Okay, I've gotta say it. These song titles are so bland I swear they were taken from the titles of poems written by goth kids on LiveJournal. All I'm asking for here is a little ingenuity. A little tiny bit of creativity and originality to give this band's music any type of discernible character. I don't get it from this song. I am honestly not convinced I'm listening to a real band. I am damn near convinced somebody just took a bunch of random interchangeable deathcore and metalcore bands and put their songs in random order on an album. I'm already out of things to say to this. The drumming is the typical metalcore "just drum in really quick bursts throughout the whole song" style, the vocalist is so covered up in post that I would never be able to discern his real voice, and the guitar work is uninspired. Nothing is cathy enough to stick in your head. Hell, I've been listening to the song while I've been writing this, and I can't even remember how it began. Eating a bowl of packing peanuts with water would leave more of an impact on me than this song.

Track 4: Children Surrender
I have a bit of a conundrum. Can you fail at something you weren't trying to do in the first place. I really want to say that this band fails utterly at being engaging or emotionally sincere in their musical delivery, but I feel that saying that would be giving them to much credit. Because they damn sure aren't trying. If they were, there would have been SOME sort of discernible change in Sixx's vocals between these songs. But no, not at all. You could have switched the vocal tracks for these songs and I would not have known the difference save for the inflection. I am fishing blindly for SOMETHING to write about this, but there is nothing at all here. I mean for the love of the gods, H.I.M. has more going for them than Black Veil Brides

Track 5: Perfect Weapon
Okay, maybe things will look up. This is a single from the album after all. Singles are usually the songs that are made more catchy and palatable in order to draw an audience. That has to mean there will be SOMETHING different that sets this song apart from the ones before it, right? Right? Nope. That would imply these sacks of mediocrity had some sense of intelligence. Hell, I'm not entirely sure they have the ability to make their music sound distinct. The drumming and guitar works is near identical to the last 4 songs. How do you manage that? Statistically you would have to, by sheer chance, stumble upon some sort of melody that hasn't already been done. I can't tell you how generic this song is, especially the solo that is obviously phoned in.

Track 6: Knives And Pens
It's official, I'm listening to a Bullet For My Valentine album in disguise. Nobody else could possibly have such an unerring ability to make every single song completely absurd in its banality. They're not trying anymore, if they ever were. There's nothing here special or interesting or worth merit. I would listen to practically anything else instead of this if given the choice because nothing could possibly be as generic as this song. From the long, autotuned to hell "woah" in the chorus to Sixx's pathetic attempts at growling to the psuedo-deathcore drum work, everything needed to make a cliche filled pile of drivel is here.

Track 7: The Mortician's Daughter
Well, at the very least we get a little variety with this song. It's an acoustic song because these people have no original ideas, so they might as well copy the Insincere Sweet Sounding "Heart-felt" acoustic Ballad that has been a cop-out staple since the late 80's. Sweet Buttery Jesus I cannot impress upon you how boring this song is. This track is so dull it makes Built To Spill sound like arena rock. This is what happens when the criminally untalented attempt to be deep; a beige nightmare of stale nothingness that leaves your head as soon as it's over, if it ever managed to hold your attention to begin with.

Track 8: All Your Hate
Aaaaaand we're right back where we started again. Boring, unoriginal chord progression, lack-luster drumming, and a dull as dog crap vocal performance. There's nothing else to add here. To paraphrase South Park, if boredom were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.

Track 9: Heaven's Calling
I swear this is the same song as the last one. It starts off nearly identically, the vocals come in at the same time, and they follow the same exact pattern. I usually gauge how bad music is by asking myself the question "Would I have made the same observations when I was 14 when I was just getting into music?" and that helps me tell where something stands. After all, back then I had very different taste, and was a lot more vulnerable to listening to crap (I'm still a bit ashamed about my Linking Park phase) but I can proudly say even when I was just first searching out music, I would have found this characterless drivel boring. 

Track 10: Never Give In
I'm out of stuff to say. Completely. You want a description of this song? Take anything I've said about the last 8 tracks and just copy/paste it below this paragraph. That would essentially simulate what I feel right now as I subject myself to this duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll pile of rat feces that these flamboyantly dressed mutants expect people to enjoy.

Track 11: Sweet Blasphemy
I've been listening to this album on youtube, rather than downloading it and listening to it on my MP3 player as I usually do. This is because I refused to sully my computer's hard drive with such worthlessness. I bring this up because over the entire time I've been listening to it, I've been reading some of the youtube comments, and they are far more interesting than anything in this song that's the same as the last one and the one before it and blah, blah, blah. People have been constantly and consistently praising these creative vacuums and on this one, somebody actually said this music is "epic". I won't get into my issues with people overusing that word to the point of meaningless. Instead I'll simply say that anyone who is capable of calling this song "epic" in even the most banal of senses, should have their ears and frontal lobes removed, because clearly they would be put to better use feeding the homeless.

Track 12: Carolyn
This song is exactly like the other acoustic track with minor differences but guess what  I don't care because I'm finally fucking done with this piece of shit.

So yeah, this album, and this band, are worthless. Every last thing they do with their sound has been done before, and done better. They contribute nothing, absolutely nothing to music. The only thing even slightly interesting is their image, and even that's only because of their severe lack of shame or dignity. Avoid this band, avoid ever giving them any money or support. Let them die like the worthless fad that they are.

"Sounds of a Playground Fading" by In Flames - Serious Review

Originally written June 16, 2011

The last few years have been pretty controversial for In Flames. In 2008 they released their 9th studio album A Sense of Purpose to a rather unanimous "Meh". I became of fan of the band around the time this album came out, and I can attest that, compared to everything they'd made before, it was pretty underwhelming. While the album before it, Come Clarity, wasn't amazing, it still had the signature power and energy that In Flames have been known for, that just seemed lacking on ASoP.

2 years later, and the founding member of In Flames, Guitarist Jesper Stromblad, left the band in order to deal with his own personal demons. This lead more than a few fans to claim that In Flames was officially dead. Though really, you'll need a quick history lesson to get up to speed on that debacle.

Essentially, back in the early 90's there were 3 bands that all formed around the same time, in the same city of Gothenburg, Sweden, and they became known as the godfathers of Melodic Death Metal. These 3 bands were In Flames, Dark Tranquillity, and At The Gates. They didn't necessarily start the sub-genre, but they were the ones who defined the sound and made it big. In Flames would stick with roughly the same sound for what would come to be called their "Golden Era", with their first 5 albums (Lunar Strain, The Jester Race, Whoracle, Colony, Clayman) but come 2002, things took a drastic change.

Starting with their 6th album, Reroute to Remain, they would begin utilizing a more modern sound, taking influence from Alternative Metal more and more with each release. This has caused a huge schism in the fanbase, between fans of "Old" In Flames and "New" In Flames. Needless to say, the founder's departure only exacerbated the whole thing. This meant that there was more than a bit of pressure for the band, now a 4-piece, to bring something big with their 2011 release Sounds of  A Playground Fading.

And believe it or not, they did.

Since I've already made this review needlessly longer than it needs to be, I'm not going to give a lot of info for each track, just a basic breakdown and my opinion on it.

Track 1: Sounds of a Playground Fading
This song starts off with an acoustic intro, followed by a good hard dose of stadium rock inspired guitars. It's clear straight away that this album has better production than ASoP did, especially towards the drums. The guitars sound very reminiscent of the last album, but that's not a bad thing since the major problem wasn't how the album sounded, but how it never went anywhere. Here, things are starting off damn strong with Anders Friden giving probably the best vocal performance he's done since Clayman. The riffs are full of energy and this is overall just a great way to start things off.

Track 2: Deliver Us
This is the lead single of the album, and it definitely shows in the sound. While it's not a bad song by any means, it lacks the atmosphere of the rest of the album, opting for a more metalcore inspired, synth heavy sound. Anders makes use of layered vocals to do what he's been relying on for the past few years: Scream-singing. It's essentially where he records the vocals twice, once with clean singing, then once with a harsher, screaming tone. This sets up for a unique, but at times off-putting effect. He uses it at other points on the album too, but for some reason it's just more conspicuous here. Still the song is enjoyable, even if it is pretty weak in comparison to the rest of the album.

Track 3: All For Me
This song starts off with another acoustic intro that quickly gives way to a powerful, bombastic quitar riff that builds up the energy brilliantly. This song is a bit different from it's predecessors, in that when the chorus comes around, it doesn't feel like the typical chorus, but rather just feels like a logical progression in the build up of the song. The highlight here is Anders' vocals, which are in top form and full of more emotion than the entirety of A Sense of Purpose combined. He's utilizi ng the scream-singing again, but with very few exceptions, it's used spectacularly here, channeling the melancholy of the lyrics with the kind of Power I've rarely heard from him before.

Track 4: The Puzzle
On this track, In Flames pauses from the overall melody-driven songs that the last 3 songs were, and instead goes for a more break-down heavy track to spice things up. And while I'll usually criticize a band for making a song like this, it strangely works here. Maybe it's the fact that the drums keep up such an energetic pace that it keeps things from slowing down on the rest of the track, or that Anders is still in top-form Vocally. Whatever the reason, the entire song is loud, full of passion, and the outro is just wonderful.

Track 5: Fear Is The Weakness
This track has been described by several reviewers as "synth-heavy" but I just don't see it. The intro riff does have some smatterings of a synth in it, the rest of the song is pretty much just guitar, bass, and drums. This is however the first song that feels most reminiscent of past material. Not in a bad way, but rather in a way of paying homage to some of their earlier albums (specifically Reroute and it's follow-up Soundtrack To Your Escape) with the melody sounding like it would fit in perfectly on STYE.

Track 6: Where The Dead Ships Dwell
Now this is a track I would call synth-heavy. If the last song was similar to STYE then this song could probably a bonus track off of that album. There's a very atmospheric sense to the whole song, especially in the way Anders does his clean vocals. Several reviewers (myself included) have used the word "melancholy" to describe the tone of SoaPF, and nowhere is it more clear why than here, with the synthesizer's presence adding an eerie nature to the whole thing.

Track 7: The Attic
This is the first song to deviate from the overall sound of the album. It's quiet, slow paced, the vocals are subdued, and oh yeah, the melody is carried almost exclusively by accordion. It's certainly different, but it does a damn good job of channeling the bleak nature of the lyrics (which is only 2 verses, no chorus or bridge.). It's a stripped down, slightly experimental song that the band hasn't really tried since Come Clarity's "Your Bedtime Story is Scaring Everyone" way back on '06. Despite the inherent eccentricity of it, the track works damn well, and I can definitely see it being used as a halfway marker at live shows.

Track 8: Darker Times
This song is similar in several ways to "The Puzzle", not least of which being that it again has the melody take a backseat to a more "Chugga-Chugga" style riff. Like "The Puzzle" this is miraculously pulled off very well, and the melody does make itself known during the chorus, as well as the last half of the song. There's also a part of the lyrics that has become sort of an inside joke among fans. You see, Anders, for whatever reason, seems to love using the word "plan" in songs. It's occurred several times, and here it's especially egregious when he repeats 3 times in a row "I Have a Better Plan!". But smirk worthy lyrics aside, this is a damn good song with 2 guitar solos and a lot of great guitar work from Bjorn Gellote, as well as a rather interesting outro that I can' really describe.

Track 9: Ropes
Some have called this song "Swim" 2.0, due to it's intro's similarity to the song "Swim" off their 5th album Clayman. And while there are several similarities betwixt the two, "Ropes" is still a damn good song in it's own right. For the verses Anders uses purely clean singing (that's right, no scream-singing until the chorus) and it's definitely an adjustment to get used to it. It's just kind of...bizarre that the guy who recorded "Morphing Into Primal" is actually singing hear. Though this won't be the last time this happens on here.

Track 10: Enter Tragedy
This song...just doesn't hit me like the rest of 'em do. There's lots to like here: the guitar work's good and reminds me a lot of some of the songs off of Come Clarity which I really enjoyed, Anders vocals are fine, no shakiness or anything, and there's plenty of energy. It's just that, when they get to the chorus everything just kind of feels muted. It's like this is where there should be this big, epic sounding chorus, and instead it's kind of a step down from the rest of the song. it all just comes off as a bit one-note. Not something I'd necessarily skip on relistens, but not something I wanna sing along withe either.

Track 11: The Jester's Door
You remember how I said "The Attic" was slightly experimental? Well that's nothing compared to "The Jester's Door". The first quarter of the song is essentially the sound of creaking floorboards and a whistle. Then a slow accordion starts up, followed by 2 verses delivered by Anders in spoken-word in an almost stream-of-consciousness speech referencing the departure of Jesper Stromblad. As he delivers the last line, suddenly the synth breaks loose alongside the accordion in a semi-tribal beat for the last minute. It's strange, nothing at all like the songs before or after it, and damned if it's anything short of beautiful. Second-favorite song on the album.

Track 12: A New Dawn
This song is nothing but a 6-minute love note to their "Golden Era" material. The leading riff sounds like it'd fit right in with the songs off of Colony. Everything sounds powerful, and Anders gives a good number of the sparse growls on this album. They also made use of a 5-piece quasi-orchestra to accentuate the interludes, and while I dislike using it there's only one word to describe the effect: EPIC. It's far and away my favorite song on the album, and I cannot praise it enough.

Track 13: Liberation
Ohhhhhh boy. This is where things get a bit sticky. In Flames purists will hate this song. I mean fucking loathe. This will be the song "Old" In Flames fans will point to as the biggest evidence of In Flames "selling out". And you know what? to hell with them, this is a damn good song. It's by no means a metal song, rather it's more comparable a hard-rock ballad than anything else, probably the softest non-acoustic song in the band's history, but it's also a beautifully composed, emotion driven, well crafted song and does an awesome job closing out the album. Anyone who refuses to listen to it because it's not "metal" enough for them is doing themselves a disservice.

Overall, this album is more than the much-needed return to form I had been hoping for. After nearly a decade of experimenting and working to find a new sound, In Flames has managed to make a strong, enjoyable album that pays respect to their roots while simultaneously defining themselves for a new decade. If you're hoping for another Whoracle or Jester Race, than you're spit outta luck, but if you want a solid, powerful, melodic metal album, than you'll love Sounds of A Playground Fading.

"Endgame" by Rise Against - Serious Review

Originally written on March 24, 2011

So today I review Rise Against's latest album Endgame. I'll start this by giving my overall opinion on Rise Against. I really like their first 2 albums (The Unraveling and Revolutions Per Minute) but anything after that is a mixed bag for me. It's not to say I find the albums bad, but that they're just uneven. There's always a few songs that I like, but starting with Siren Song of The Counterculture there are always a good number of songs that I either find boring, or outright dislike. As it turns out, Endgame is no different.

Track 1: Architects
Rise Against have made it a habit of giving each album opener a fast-paced, building intro that they can use to start off shows, and Architects are no different. They also have a habit of taking a fast-paced, bombastic song and slowing it down in the last 1/3 in order to give Tim McIlrath time to show off his pipes. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes it can all but ruin a song (I'm looking at you Worth Dying For). Thankfully this is a case of the former. With callbacks to lyrics from their earlier songs, they also have a shout out to Against Me! and their song I Was A Teenage Anarchist. This is definitely a good way to start the album, filled with energy and hype and promising a powerful performance from McIlrath.

Track 2: Help Is On The Way
The second track unfortunately doesn't follow up well from Architects. It's one of those songs I mentioned before that are just kind of boring. There's some good bits, especially McIlrath's screams about 2 minutes into it, but overall it's just kind of one note, and in all honesty sounds like a song that didn't make the cut on their last album Appeal To Reason. Lyrically it's also pretty behind the times. It's about the slow reaction when it came to aiding the people of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. It's thankfully not a generic "Republicans are evil" song that the band has put out in the past, but it just feels a little late to bring it up.

Track 3: Make It Stop (September's Children)
This is my favorite song off of Endgame and with good reason. It has some of the best guitar work on the album, McIlrath is in prime form with a voice full of emotion, and it has probably the most touching sentiments of the whole thing. As the title alludes, this song is about the Teenagers who committed suicide in September of 2010 as a result of homophobic bullying. The part I love about the song is that it isn't about placing blame, it's about getting rid of the system that caused it before it happens again, calling people who have been victimized to not give up, but to stand up for themselves ("It's always darkest just before the dawn, so stay awake with me, let's prove them wrong!") It's something that manages to be inspiring rather than just impotent anger, and I really enjoy it.

Track 4: Disparity By Design
After a song as great as Make It Stop it's a shame that it's followed by what ends up being a very forgettable song. It starts off pretty well, with a tempo similar to the opening of Architects but it feels kind of one note. McIlrath doesn't really deviate his voice until about 2 minutes in, when there's an enjoyable but terribly short bit of screaming that could have really improved the song. After that it's right back to the same as before, and I'm kind of bored, not liking the song enough to enjoy it, but not hating it enough to skip to the next track.

Track 5: Satellite
This track is a definite improvement from Disparity By Design, but it's again song that isn't that memorable. There's parts that I like, especially the first two verses, and the chorus has some good drum and guitar work, but overall it's nothing amazing and nothing that hasn't been done better on earlier albums. The last half of the song is rather dull, with the bridge just repeated a couple of times with some more wailing that quite honestly sounds whiny. It's got enough redeeming qualities to keep me listening, but nothing to really get me singing along.

Track 6: Midnight Hands
This is a pleasant little treat for the mid-point of the album. Right off the bat the guitar sounds hugely different from anything Rise Against has done on their last few albums. The song takes a big influence from hard rock and heavy metal songs, with more layered guitar riffs and a type of vocal delivery that McIlrath hasn't used since Revolutions Per Minute and it's definitely a good recovery after the disappointing previous songs. After Make It Stop it's definitely my favorite song off of Endgame.

Track 7: Survivor Guilt
This is another good track, partly because it uses another technique that Rise Against hasn't used in quite a while; soundbites. I'm not entirely sure where the soundbites are from, but they fit the song very well, giving one of my new favorite quotes ("You're a shamelessl opportunist! What you don't understand is that it's better to Die on your feet than live on your knees." "You've got it backwards. It's better to live on your feet than to die on your knees.") and the vocal delivery is very reminiscent on their older style, especially on the bridge. It's definitely more polished than the older albums, but at it's heart it's still got the same power as before.

Track 8: Broken Mirrors
This is another bit of a style shift, with the guitars sounding similar to, of all things, ZZ Top. It's got a bit of that southern rock vibe during most of the first half, and it keeps the same kind of groove throughout all of it. The chorus can be a bit boring, saved only by McIlrath channeling a lot of emotion into his voice during an otherwise unenthusiastic part of the melody. The ending is again a bit dull, but overall it's still an enjoyable heartfelt song that I never feel like skipping over.

Track 9: Wait For Me
This track, on the other hand, is pretty dull and lifeless. It starts off slow and kind of phoned in, and never really picks up after that despite guitarist Zach Blair's best attempts at adding some spice to the whole affair. Probably the only song I'll freely skip each time, due to it's rather lifeless melody. Nothing ever really changes or advances. It's pretty much just the same tempo and melody from beginning to end, so much that if I'm not paying attention I won't even realize that the song's over until the next comes on. Speaking of which...

Track 10: A Gentleman's Coup
This track more than makes up for it's uninteresting predecessor. From the start out it's loud, bombastic, and catchy. I've found my self several times throughout the day without even realizing it. The message of the song is about the viscous cycle of a revolution repeating the same  mistakes of the regime it replaced ("We seize the throne, subjugate, we should have burned it to the ground.") and you can feel the passion the whole band has for what they're saying.

Track 11: This Is Letting Go
This is a song that took several listens to grow on me, but I eventually found myself really enjoying it. On my first listen to it, I was reminded far too much of the dull, phoned-in sounding songs off of Appeal To Reason that I always skip. Thankfully though, a few more listens got me to admit my initial reaction was unfair, and I started to get more into the whole thing. It's got a lot of the elements from songs like The Dirt Whispered and Kotov Syndrome, both of which are songs that I really liked, and the melody is really catchy. It's still not an amazing song, but a lot better than I originally gave it credit for.

Track 12: Endgame
Unfortunately, the album doesn't end on a very high note. The title track is another one of those songs that, while not bad, is just so "meh" that it really doesn't get a big reaction about me. At least some of the other dull tracks had some spots that I enjoyed. But this one just kinds of strikes me as background music. It's not offensive, but nor is it particularly impressive enough to leave much of an impression.

Overall, Endgame is a rather inconsistent album. There are some really good songs, even a couple that have made it into my all time favorites, but there's also a decent amount of tracks that just come off more as album filler than anything else. Still, if you've enjoyed Rise Against's last few releases, you'll definitely enjoy this one.

"Stand Up And Fight" by Turisas - Serious Review

 Originally written Monday, February 28, 2011

Stand Up and Fight is the 3rd full-length album from Finnish Folk-metal stars Turisas. The band entered the studio in March of last year, and effectively lived there for several months, hammering out and polishing their most ambitious release to-date. The band stated before started production that their plan was to make this the album where they started headlining tours, as opposed to the supporting roles they'd played up until then, and It shows. The album is extremely ambitious, incorporating real horn and orchestral recordings as opposed to the samples used in their previous album The Varangian Way.

Track 1: The March of  the Varangian Guard
Those horns I mentioned earlier? They're what starts this album out, and they immediately know what you're up for. This is an album that's going for a BIG feel. Turisas want you to feel like you're experiencing an epic tale of power and fantasy, and they definitely achieve it. This song tells you exactly what you're into; liberal use of violins, trumpets, and a choir backing the riffs that Jussi Wickström belts out on nearly every track. Those looking for a more conventional sounding metal album may be turned off, but for fans of Turisas' other work, this song won't disappoint.

Track 2: Take The Day!
This is, pure and simple, a stadium rock song. It's still got the metal overtones, especially with Tude Lehtonen's drumming, but at it's core I'm sure it's here to give the band something to get every butt at their shows out of the seats. There's a powerful, and more importantly LOUD bridge that absolutely blazes with energy. There's several bits in the beginning that act as build-ups to it, and it gets you pumped for the rest of the album.

Track 3: Hunting Pirates
While some Turisas fans would probably have my head for it, this song is reminiscent of the sound of the band Alestorm. Not to say that they're aping off of somebody else' s style, but it seems more an homage to the Pirate-themed metal band's jaunty aesthetic. Netta Skog shows her skill on the accordion during this song, with much of the aesthetic of the song coming from her.

Track 4: Veretoi! -  Prasinoi!
This track is pure, unleaded fun. Many times folk-metal bands make a more "dancy" tune, it ends up breaking the mood of the album, either by sounding too odd compared to the rest of the album, or the song being too one-note. Neither happen here, with the whole song keeping the feeling of the album despite it being (for the most part) much more upbeat. It's certain to become a favorite at their shows.

Track 5: Stand Up And Fight
This was the first and only single released for the album prior to release, and oddly enough it's probably the most forgettable track on the disk. It's still and enjoyable song, but comes off feeling too long, as if the band had the song done, but decided to slow it down to pad out the album. Not to say it's "bad" per se, but compared to the songs around it, it just isn't anything special.

Track 6: The Great Escape
This song starts straight out building up to a powerful, frenetic, and dark sound. This is the first track to feature Mathias Nygård growling a lot, and he pulls it off well. As a whole it's a big step up from the title track, with a much more layered sound, as well as reintroducing the Stadium Rock feel from Take The Day! I again feel it could have been shortened some, as there's a section towards the end that very much feels like it's padding out the length. Still, a strong track with a lot of energy.

Track 7: Fear The Fear
Hands down my favorite song on the album. It's long, epic, powerful, and feels like a microcosm of the entire album. It's got Mathias giving what is possibly his best vocal performance to date. The songs starts out loud, but then falls to a slowly building guitar strum that's almost reminiscent of Refused's song New Noise. The tune is majestic, bombastic, inspiring, and just about every other positive adjective I can think of. The song changes tempo and rythm numerous times, but it never feels uneven or sporadic, feeling very much like a journey in itself.

Track 8: End of an Empire
On each of their albums, it kind of become a tradition to put a long, epic, and choir-heavy track near the end of the album, and Stand Up And Fight doesn't break the streak. While Fear The Fear was long, it had a fast pace that kept it from feeling like it was 6 minutes. The opposite is true of End of an Empire, but that's not a bad thing. It's slow, but never feels boring, and overall feels much more somber. The first minute and a half are a soft, piano heavy ballad, with the guitars not kicking in proper until the 100 second mark. Everything about this song feels grand.

Track 9: The Bosphorus Freezes Over
Often bands will end an album with a loud, long, and energetic song to close everything out. Turisas decided to go a different path. The beginning of The Bosphorus Freezes Over is soft, and feels like something one might hear in a ballet. The drums slowly kick in, and Mathias performs the whole thing in somber spoken-word. The entire song feels like the aftermath of a great battle, sad but with a kind of catharsis about the whole affair.

Overall, Stand Up And Fight is an ambitious undertaking that's full of energy, power, intelligence, and most importanly emotion. Some long-time fans may be turned off by the more polished feel, but anyone interested in an album with a big sound should most certainly check it out.

"Dance Tonight! Revolution Tomorrow!" by Orchid - Serioius Review

Originally written on Wednesday, February 23, 2011

So we're here for the third installment of me babbling inanely about stuff that I have neither the experience, nor the work ethic to do well.

First thing I should mention is that this is One of my favorite albums...but I know damn well most people are not going to like it, and it all comes down to the genre. It's screamo. And I mean actual, legitimately-belongs-in-that-category Screamo, not post-hardcore or metalcore that people mistake as screamo "because it haz screaming in it so it's totally screamo" stuff that gets put under that title. This album, and Screamo in general is harse, raw, fast, and often-times very short with the songs, and fans of more palatable types of music will not enjoy. It's a niche sound, is what I'm saying.

So with that warning, we proceed into Dance Tonight! Revolution Tomorrow!

Track 1: Destination: Blood!
I'll be the first to admit this is a cheesy as hell title for the song, but I've heard far worse from bands that don't have the talent to back it up, so I usually ignore it. I won't be analyzing the lyrics on this one because...well, they're nearly indiscernible even with a sheet of the lyrics in front of you. I'm used to harsh vocals, and so occasionally I can get something out, but not enough to do anything in depth, and the lyrics really don't matter much anyway. The first song is quick, though nowhere near the shortest track on the album, and it's a pretty good summation of what Orchid sounds like. The vocals are harsh, the guitar is distorted, the drums are fast, and while there's enough melody to keep it from sounding like just one long breakdown, it's not exactly a building epic song. Jayson Green does a great job incorporating emotion into his screams without making himself sound whiny.

Track 2: To Praise Prosthesis
This is a VERY short song, barely passing the half-minute mark, and it is essentially a microcosm of what Orchid goes for. It's quick, meloncholic, chaotic, and yet somehow they still manage to get some rhythm into it. It demonstrates that while Orchid is chaotic with their song structure and sound, there's a method to the madness.

Track 3: Lights Out
This is the first instance on the album of clean Vocals from Green, and it demonstrates that he's a perfect fit for the album. Everything about the song is raw and powerful even though things are slowed down considerably from before. Clocking in a 2:12, this is the 3rd longest song on the album (Yes, you read that right. 70% of the tracks on Dance Tonight! Revolution Tomorrow! are under 2 minutes. Yet it's still longer than their first album Chaos Is Me) and it makes a good job of it, with a slow building intro and a thunderous, bass-driven melody.

Track 4: Anna Karina
I have trouble even calling this a song. It's pretty much just a 15-second sound byte that sounds almost like a continuation of Lights Out. It literally took longer to right this sentence than it did to listen to this song. And yet I love it. The best (and least-professional) way I can describe it is if you took a regular Orchid song and condensed the whole thing akin to the Two-minute Death Magnetic video on youtube. I've literally listened to it more than a dozen times while typing this, and that should leave me feeling pissed, but instead I actually feel satisfied by it. Hell if I know how they pulled that off.

Track 5: I Am Nietzche
This is the second longest track on the album, and it doesn't break the 3 minute mark (See, I wasn't lying when I said it was quick.) and it's the first Orchid song I listened to . There's a 44 second guitar intro that sets the whole shebang up, and then it crescendos into Green proudly proclaiming "I am Nietche!" with the kind of vocal intensity that I've rarely found elsewhere. And I don't mean "intensity" as in it's loud or harsh, I mean that you can practically feel the emotion dripping from his tongue (woah, that's a weird image that will NEVER LEAVE YOU PSYCHE)

Track 6: Victory Is Ours
And we're back to the short songs again with another track that only lasts about 50 seconds, but it's a good bit of power behind it. I can't say it's a great song, nor is it a good follow up to how I Am Nietzche ended, but if you enjoy the songs preceding it, you'll enjoy this one.

Track 7: Don't Rat Out Your Friends
I am completely convinced that the song title was made specifically to be repeating in the listener's head when they are listening to the opening Guitar. Why? Because IT FITS PERFECTLY. This is the things that sticks in my head the most, in that they're actually putting lyrics into a songs without even speaking them, which is pretty interesting. This is another song that's Whatevertheauibleequivalentofblinkingis-and-you'll-miss-it song, but the intro has been stuck in my head since I first heard it, so they're doing something right.

Track 8: Black Hills
This track is kind of forgettable. It's pretty much more of the same, and there's not anything (apart from a riff in the middle third that is of some interest) to really comment on. The biggest I'm having with reviewing this album is that, while each song contributes something to the album as a whole, the songs are so short and minimalist that it's difficult to write a lot about them. Still, it's a short song and if you've listened to the album thus far, it's still something to enjoy.

Track 9: Show Delay At The Frankfurt School
Yeah, I don't know what the title is supposed to mean either. This is a strangely slow song, that really feels like it's more building towards the Final track than anything, kind of akin to a prologue. It's still notable in that it's go almost no vocals until the last 20 seconds of the song (Though really, that's still nearly a third of it).

Track 10 ...And The Cat Turned To Smoke
This is the last, and longest track. It seems to be tradition Orchid had to end their albums with a song easily and measurably longer than the rest of the album. Hell, this song alone takes up nearly a third of the whole thing. But much more notable is the way the song build. Over the last few tracks, the band demonstrated that they could start off slow and still deliver a powerful song, and this is the Opus of it. Whenever I listen to this track I can't help but imagine some slow-motion fight to the death all awash in gray-tone and ramping effects. It's my favorite song on the album, and it closes with a hauntingly powerful fade-out (This coming from somebody who's usually disconcerted by fade-outs in songs) and I suggest to anyone who's willing to listen to Screamo to try this song out first.

Overall, this is a great album if you're into the aesthetic. It's not perfect, and it's definitely missing some refinement, but if you don't mind a bit of unorthodox song structure and sound, I recommend it.

"Ain't Nobody Left But Us" by Zatopeks - Serious Review

Originally Written on Monday, February 14, 2011

So I'm bored again, and now I'm reviewing what is quickly becoming one of my favorite albums of all time. One look into my MP3 player and you can tell I like pop-punk, and thusly I'm covering the debut release of Bristish band Zatopeks. And this time the lyrics are in English!

Track 1: The Summer I Fell In Love With Jimmy's Girl
This first song is a humorous little ditty about the lead singer and primary song writer Will De Niro fictitious fling with the fictitious girlfriend of the band's fictitious rival gang "The Vipers". As would be implied by such a subject matter, this isn't a song where they're trying to be serious. It's mostly just a bit of good-natured self-indulgence, and the song itself is a basic pop-punk tune. There's nothing particularly gripping about the song, and while it's pretty fun I feel there were better songs to open the album with.

Track 2: Turkish Bread Chronicle
I was introduced to Zatopeks by this song, and it's easily one of my favorite songs ever and quite possibly my favorite song of theirs. The basic tale is one of lost love. De Niro meets a greek girl while on a charter bus, they hit it off and spend the whole night talking, and goodbyes are said in the morning. While this could be call for a somber ballad, the band instead go with a fast-paced, light-hearted, and overall optimistic tone. The track is fast, full of energy, and basically capable of putting a smile on nearly anyone who's feeling moody.

Track 3: City Lights
This is the first slow song on the album, and it's about a buzzed stroll through Berlin in the night. Yeah, these guys have a tendency to make songs about this type of thing. The drums really shine through in this track, with them driving the entire melody, making what could have been a sub-par song about a post breakup mood-fest into a song that's strangely touching. The whole thing sounds like a song they'd play in a movie when the main character is having some moment of introspection, and it works.

Track 4: Mary Lou
This is one of the funniest songs I've ever listened to, but most won't get the whole joke. The verses are done in a gravelly parody of Tom Waits, and it's uncannily how well the person (I'm unsure if De Niro is the one doing it) sounds like the old music legend. The lyrics are also a parody of the often emulated Waits' songs, speaking of the most angriest, most dangerous woman you'll ever meet making the singer wish he'd never married her. It's a really fun song even if you aren't familiar with Waits, if for no other reason than the strangeness of the vocals compared to the rest of the album.

Track 5: Some Town In Northern France
This is another song about the singer's midnight strolls around some old European village, this time the titular town where De Niro and his mate go on a search for an allusive group of "punk rock girls" that promise a good time. It's a bit of a romantic song all-in-all, that talks about the fact that we miss opportunities in our lives that we can't get back. All in all it's thematically the same as Turkish Bread Chronicle albeit with a slower pace. The music is soft and of moderate tempo, never getting fast, but never so slow that it feels like it's strictly a ballad.

Track 6: Boy Done Good
Basically a calling out towards the paradox that's apparently pretty big in Europe in concerns to drinking. It's an indictment of drinking culture, and I honestly can't speak much to the accuracy of it since pretty much anyone who knows me can attest to my aversion towards alcohol. As a result I can' really talk about the message. Music wise it's a bit faster than Some Town In Northern France and a bit more upbeat despite its less-than-happy subject matter. There's a nice spoken-word section towards the end that holds a lot of power, and overall it's a nice mellow tune.

Track 7: The Night Spider Earned His Colours
A return to the tempo and subject of The Summer I Fell In Love With Jimmy's Girl, this track tells the made-up tale of how the guitarist the titular Spider (Yeah, they have weird made-up names. I dig it.) runs into the insidious Vipers. Spider proceeds to gain the admiration of the band and the pretty girls present by knifing the Vipers and generally being a greaser. Musically it's mixed with a lot of spoken-word dialogue of the audience as Spider proves he's not one to be messed with, and it makes for a very different sound from your usual pop-punk band.

Track 8: Another Night On The Divide
Usually the middle tracks on an album are slow ballads that all bu completionist listeners skip. Not so for this song. It's fast, short, one of the heavier tunes, and you can feel a lot of energy from the entire band. The guitarists get to play around with different bits of distortion and we hear a bit of screaming from De Niro that makes me want to hear a song from these guys of a more hardcore nature. It's a lot of fun and one of the best songs on the album for sure.

Track 9: Jenny Kissed Me
This is another bit of self-indulgence on De Niro's part. The lyrics are basically taken verbatim from a romantic poem (as in the romantic era). It's all about remembering the cherished moments from our lives even when live gets difficult. The music is downbeat and sounds more of a pop-rock/country hybrid than anything under the punk genre. The tune overall can tend to get a bit boring, and the best thing they did with this song was not stretching out. It's a sweet bit, but I get the feeling if it went on much further past its 1:51 run time I'd grow bored quick.

Track 10: Quality Footwear
The highlight of this song is the bass. The vocals are fine, the drums do a good job, and the guitars do their part, but the Bass player is the standout in the whole business. I haven't mentioned it yet, but the mix on this album is very well done. All the members can be heard clearly, with pretty much nobody overpowering the other, and the bass comes in loud an clear on every track which is a bit of a rarity these days. There's a bit of Piano spliced in towards the end, and it actually brings out what the song is at its core; a swing song.

Track 11: Turn To Gold Blues
Slow and somber is how this song starts out, and at though it picks up the pace very quickly, the whole thing feels sort of one-note...until the organ comes in. This element takes me by surprise every time I listen to it. In all honesty it comes right out of nowhere, and could be jarring if it weren't so perfect for the song. Zatopeks seem to have a knack for incorporating several different elements from other genres and styles without it ever feeling forced. I've heard many a song that went south because the band, while talented, made the mistake of trying to shove several different instruments or sound-bytes into their music and it comes off as lousy. But here, it feels absolutely natural.

Track 12: Sophie Scholl
This is the track that is constantly fighting it out with Turkish Bread Chronicle for my favorite spot on the album. It's catchy, quick, and speaks about the singer's post-mortem crush on a political activist from 1940's Germany who was executed for speaking out against Hitler. The chorus is hands down one of the catchiest damn things I've ever heard, and I'm sure more than a few have heard me humming "This song's for Sophie Scholl" more than once in the past week. There's a part of the lyrics taken from a White Rose Movement pamphlet, and it's probably the best part of the song.

Track 13: De Niro Come On
We return one last time (on this album anyway) to the subject of the Vipers and their ongoing if sporadic rivalry with the band. This time the leader, Jimmy, proposes to De Niro to bury the hatchet. De Niro, being the impulsive young man decides it's a trap and challenges Jimmy to a game of chicken involving hot rods and a steep cliff. Needless to say, this doesn't end well for Ol' Jimmy boy. The tune is nice and mellow, never getting too fast or slowing down. The majority of the song is basically a platform for De Niro to show the softer side of his voice again.

Track 14: At The Dive
Being the last song on the album, At The Dive is a nice song, and does a good job of ending the album. It's on the longer side as compared to the rest of tracks, but it makes very good use of it. The lyrics are mostly just talking about the band's experience of living in a rat-hole of an apartment during the start of their career. It's a sing-along style ballad (with a dash of harmonica thrown in for good measure) and is a nice way to close out what is overall a superbly crafted album.

Overall, this whole album is a ton of fun that isn't afraid to be intelligent in its subject matter, but keeps things light hearted enough that it avoids feeling pretentious. For anyone who's a fan of punk or its subgenres, or is just looking for a nice album to chill to, I can't recommend it enough.

"Ukon Wacka" by Korpiklaani - Serious Review

Originally Written Saturday, February 12, 2011

So yeah, I'm bored and just downloaded the latest album of a band I like, so I decided what better way to entertain myself than to shamelessly spread my uninformed opinion across the interwebs? I'm going to do a track-by-track review/breakdown of the latest Korpiklaani album "Ukon Wacka" and I'm sure nobody will actually care. :D

Track 1: Louhen Yhdeksäs Poika
So yeah, the titles and lyrics are in Finnish, and as I rarely take lyrical content into consideration, I'm not translating them. I'll just be going my own impressions of the songs.
Louhen Yhdeksäs Poika does its job of opening the album VERY well. From the opening fiddle to it's close Louhen  really starts getting you pumped for what's ahead. It's fast-paced, with Jonne Järvelä barely taking a breath between verses, and the drums smashing out a furious, almost tribal beat that always reminds me these guys used to be named Shaman

Track 2: Päät Pois Tai Hirteen
The second track slows things down a bit, opening with a guitar-accordion combination that's become a staple of Korpiklaani's folk-metal sound. While the song is enjoyable, and I get the feeling it would be fun as hell to sing along with in Finnish, it feels kind of lackluster compared to the opening track. I think my problem comes with how sort of one-note it feels until the end.

Track 3: Tuoppi Oltta
This song is very much a call-back to the folk music origins of the band. This is evidenced by the fact that the melody isn't set by the guitars, vocals, bass, or drums. It's set by the violins and flutes that dominate the first third of the song. The whole thing sounds like a reminder to their long-time fans that while they've gone from straight Folk to Folk Metal, at the core their music's unchanged.

Track 4: Lonkkaluut
This is the first track on the album I debated on skipping when I was re-listening. It's not that the song's bad, but it's very average. There's nothing very memorable about it, with the melody feeling very much like other metal songs I've listened to, and nothing that attention-grabbing about it. As I'm a completionist when it comes to things that aren't school work, I decided to listen to it anyway, and while I can't say I'm sorry I did, it's still nothing that really sticks with me afterward.

Track 5: Tequila
This was the first song I heard off of Ukon Wacka and you can bet it got me pumped for the album. The song brings back the high energy of Louhen Yhdeksäs Poika and acts as sort of a spiritual Sequel song to the lead single Vodka from their previous album Karkelo, which happened to be the first Korpiklaani song I ever heard. It's the second shortest song on the album, clocking in at 2:42, but it packs a lot into it, with drum beats that sound more like a drum circle than something produced in a studio, a loud call for more alcohol from the singer, and a healthy dose of accordion thrown in for good measure. Definitely a song to play at a party

Track 6: Ukon Wacka
This is one of the more interesting tracks. It's a slower pace, which usually works as a detriment for this band, and it has elements of metalcore in it, which usually works as a detriment to anything ever. And yet, while I wouldn't say this is my favorite songs on the album, it definitely catches my interest for the entire length of the song. It's a bit heavier than those preceding it, and sounds a lot more despondent (there's a section about 3 minutes in that's reminiscent of a funeral march), the song never gets depressing. Of all things, by the end it comes off sounding happy.

Track 7: Korvesta Liha
Here we meet another song that I'm tempted to skip during re-listens. It's fairly generic in the beginning, taking nearly half its time to get to anything musically interesting. The middle minute is pretty fun, with nice dash of flute thrown in that I appreciated, but it's over pretty quick back to a very familiar guitar melody. I again can't say it's a bad track, but it's painfully average, to the point that I find myself skipping the first 45 seconds to get to something more enjoyable.

Track 8: Koivu Ja Tähti
The first minute of Koivu Ja Tähti reminds me of a song you'd hear in an old Scandinavian bar...only distorted and warped to the point it sounds foreboding. The song, while good, sounds very strange from these guys. There's a section of the track that I actually thought was from a Blind Guardian song. There's nothing wrong with it, and It's a marked improvement from Korvesta Liha, but a bit off-putting this late into the album. I can't really put down exactly what my problem with it is.

Track 9: Vaarinpolkka
If Google Translator is to be trusted (up for debate) the title of this song translates to "Grandfather's Polka" but it's anything but your grandpa's music. It's the shortest track on the album, and an instrumental. Now I usually dislike instrumentals, since they're usually just a place for the guitarists to show off, but amazingly enough I think Vaarinpolkka may be my favorite song off of Ukno Wacka. It's got tons of energy and fun packed into it, staying just long enough to get the blood pumping without over staying its welcome.

Track 10: Surma
The final song on the album proper, as well as the longest track at 6:20, Surma closes out the album in true Metal fashion. It's starts off slow and folksy, with a wooden flute playing a tune, a fiddle joining in, the drums starting up, and finally all 3 guitars kicking in. With the intro fading out, Järvelä bursts in with the vocals at a break-neck speed that makes the opening track sound like a ballad, followed by a scream to the heavens. It's powerful, epic, and comes off sounding like an old warrior regaling us with an old battle Tale that you know isn't true but still sounds amazing. (Okay I have no clue where that little bought of waxing poetic came from) The song fades out, and the album's over with.

Bonus Track: Iron Fist
...Until the bonus track, a Motorhead cover no-less, comes in. And boy does it break the mood. Again I'm not saying it's a bad song, it's problem is inherited by virtue of being a cover, and a cover of an English-speaking band. I can understand wanting to do tribute to a famous Metal band, but it doesn't mesh with the overall feel of the album, and really feels like something to put on with a single or EP. Still, it IS a bonus track, so I guess I can't complain too much.

Overall, Ukon Wacka is a good album, but it's nothing game-changing. It's more of what Korpiklaani have made in the past, but I certainly can't call that a bad thing.