Thursday, July 28, 2011

"Cupcakes" By Sergeant Sprinkles - Snark Review

Originally written on Monday, July 25, 2011

Today's review is something very different from my regular review topic. You see, instead of reviewing an Album, or a Movie, or even a Book, I'm reviewing fanfiction. Not only that, but fanfiction for a show none of you have probably seen, and NONE of you would ever admit to seeing. Today we're looking at Cupcakes, a fanfiction for the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

If you're still reading this, that means you didn't die of laughter at the mention of the show. Kudos. But to understand the complete insanity of this fanfiction, you'll need to get a little history on the source material. Essentially, Friendship is Magic is the most recent incarnation of the sickeningly sweet 20 minute toy commercial known as My Little Pony. Now, until now I've never had much exposure to the series outside of the occasional Toy Commercial, and that alone was enough to make me avoid it like the plague, but something...different happened with this series.

Since its debut late last year, it's garnered a downright MASSIVE following on the internet, especially among Males in their late teens to mid twenties, who have taken to calling themselves "Bronies". This is exceedingly strange considering where the popularity first  came from: 4Chan. That's right, the biggest scumhole of the internet, the place that houses nearly every jaded, hateful, rage-filled internet geek who's ever read Encyclopedia Dramatica was the same place that started the most vocal fandom for a show called Friendship is Magic.

This intrigued me. After all, I've spent enough time online to get the basic feel for what 4chan usually likes. They hate everything that isn't Cats, memes, or Cat memes. So what was it about this children's show, targeted at young girls, that would make this many adult Males latch onto it with so much zeal and ferocity? I decided to find out on my own, and watched some of the series. It's surprisingly decent for a kid's show. Not to say it's anything brilliant or amazing, but depending on your tolerance for girly names and cheesy morals, it's not half bad. It's certainly a damn sight more intelligent and well written than anything called My Little Pony has the right to be.

But we're not here to talk about the show. We're here to talk about Cupcakes, a fanfiction that turns this:

What I expected

into this:

What I Got

Cupcakes has become infamous in the FiM fandom, for being "GRIMDARK AS FUCK" and taking the cheeriest, friendliest character in the show and turning her into an equally cheery and friendly serial killer that makes Hostel seem tame by comparison. It's written by a person known only as Sergeant Sprinkles, and from what I can tell is the most well known Fic in the fandom, with it being mentioned or referenced in tons of other fanfics and having dozens of "alternate" endings written for it by other users.

So let's dig right into The Ponyville Chainsaw Massacre.

It starts off innocently enough, with one of the characters named Rainbow Dash (Possibly one of the manliest names in the series. Not even kidding.) a Pegasus, rushing over to Sugarcube Corner (the most masculine name for anything in the show. Again, not even kidding.) to meet Pinkie Pie (pictured above) for some chore she needs help with. When she gets there, Dash is greeted by a very mysterious Pinkie who dodges answering the questions pertaining to what they're there for. Pinkie tells Dash they're going to make cupcakes! Until Pinkie feeds her friend a drugged cupcake, knocking her out. This is about the time things take a dark turn.

Dash wakes up strapped to a table, unable to move. Understandably freaked the hell out by this, she attempts to get free, but finds she's unable to escape. This is when Pinkie shows up, wearing a dress made of the skin of her past victims, a necklace of severed unicorn horns, and the amputated wings of 3 separate Pegasi. It's revealed the Pinkie Pie, in the show an expert at throwing parties and decorating, has also decorated the room they're in. Only in lieu of streamers, intestines are hung along the walls, the furniture is made from the bones of dozens of dead Ponies, and their painted skulls used to top a cake made of Pony meat.

Yeah. And that's the lighter stuff.

Pinkie Pie explains that she apparently has been doing this for a while, with nobody seeming to notice the sudden disappearance of numerous Ponies, and that she has assigned everyone in town a "Number" in a lottery, and when their number comes up she tortures, kills, and eats them. Why? Because she's Pinkie Pie and that's just what she does. Throughout this explanation, it's important to keep in mind that Pinkie here keeps talking like this is the most normal thing in the world (“ 'You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!' 'I know you are and that’s why I’m so happy that I’ve got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and me.' Pinkie was skipping again.") and this keeps up throughout the ENTIRE story. Its' rather admirable that somebody was capable of writing a fanfiction where the characters act completely contrary to their established character, while simultaneously STAYING IN CHARACTER. It's kind of admirable in a disturbingly creepy way.

Anyway, Pinkie then proceeds to cut the skin off of Dash's flank, then use a dull knife and a hacksaw to sever her wings. After Dash passes out, Pinkie forcefully revives her with and Adrenaline shot, and tells her that it's rude to fall asleep at somebody's house when you're a guest. We then find out that while Dash was blacked out, Pinkie had been cutting out the meat from Dash's legs and eating it, then proceeds to force-feed some to Dash. Then she drives a couple of nails into the bottom of Dash's back feet, uses copper wire to connect the nails to a car battery, and proceeds to electrocute Dash until she pisses herself and her feet are nearly cooked off.

After that, we enter what Pinkie calls "the last round" which can be summed up with this quote from Pinkie:

" 'In a few minutes, you won’t be able to feel anything below your ribcage. Then you’ll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest.' ”

That's right, Pinkie proceeds do disembowel her friend and make her watch. And believe me, vivisection has never been so punny. First she flosses with the small intestine, then wears the large intestine as a scarf, and then we get this wonderful quote as she starts speeding things up.

" 'I know I can be a real pancreas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.' ”

There is literally nothing I can think to add to make that any more bizarre than it already is. Oh wait, I know, the story gives me something right here, Pinkie rips out Dash's stomach and part of the esophagus, and plays it like a set of bagpipes. Because hey, we're in this deep in the insanity shit storm, why not go full force?

After that, Rainbow Dash gives up and dies in the middle of Pinkie skinning her head. You'd think that would be the end, but you'd think like somebody with a modicum of decency and sanity. After that we get an epilogue, in which Pinkie Pie, ever the innovator, decides that since there's not too much damage to the corpse, she can put everything back together, stuff Rainbow Dash, and keep her around forever. After all what are friends for?

This...defies reviewing. At least for me. I mean, what can I really say about this? How can I judge it? Where exactly is the bar set for Pony Evisceration Fiction? I mean, the writing is decent, in some places pretty good considering it's a fanfic. There's a few grammatical and spelling mistakes but nothing that wouldn't get caught by a good editor. It's short, at only about 5-6 pages. That's all I can add to it really, the rest speaks for itself. It's a Pony called Pinkie Pie drugging her friend named Rainbow Dash, then proceeding to skin her, amputate her wings, electrocute her feet off, vivisect, and finally stuff her.

Sweet dreams!

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